Found Diary - Eighth Entry (3/20/94)

I joined the church today. It was a good day. Mommy filed for a divorse again last week. I suppose it was inevitable that it was going to happen. This time, it did not come as a surprise, actually it is a relief. I've not done anything outside the marriage. I guess when your mother & I finally end this relationship, the both of us will feel better. We've been away from each other too long to try again. I'm not going to change, at least I don't think so, and neither is your mother. She is a good person, but I learned some things about her that I don't understand. She seems to care for me and yet she seems bitter & angry. My friends in OKC said she was always very masculine. They think that maybe that is why I married her in the first place. Your mother & I started dating in college when my fraternity & her sorority did a dance together. She was so cute, yet she appeared strong. She wore mountain boots, jeans a corduroy jacket w/ patches on the elbows & an [unreadable] shirt. Her hair was thick, long and beautiful. Her eyes were dark brown & she had a clean spirit. She would ride her blue schwin bike to my fraternity home & she would deliver chocolate chip cookies to me. Her grandmother met me in OKC & I believe she was the grandmother I never had. T.J. met me & appeared happy to meet me. On P & my wedding day - he actually kissed me on the cheek.  T. J. is a caring person. I always said his heart was ten times bigger than M.'s. We spent Easter together @ Quail Creek country club. P. would hang on me as I smoked a cigarette. Your daddy used to smoke - did you know that? Hard to believe now isn't it? It's easter season right now - your mother will be 38 on Tuesday & this will be our first birthday in 15 years apart. Life is strange. I've met people this year that have been the most loving & caring people I do believe I know. I also have experienced a change & have noticed so much anger in others - anger turns to rage. I believe your mother is so angry w/ me that she does not know how much she hurts me. She never calls, writes or asks how I'm doing. In turn, I've turned apathetic to her. Last night I saw the cutest soap dispeners that were shaped as parrots. I almost purchased one, but realized that the person I was buying it for no longer exist. I keep a picture of the old person by my bed - you can see a cheerful spirit in that picture. That was my P. I do believe that our marriage was crumbling & that gave me enough reason to no longer supress these inner feelings. I believe if I were in love w/ your mother, or thought she was truly in love w/ me, I could have suppressed them or at least try longer. I also have a picture of your granny & Dado. This picture also reminds me of happier days. Not every thing in our lives have been disrupted, however, the things that seem to count the most have. Your Mother & I did, at one time, love each other more than I thought possible. We were struggling in Norman, OK when we first married. Our staple meal was peanut butter & bread. My mother came to visit us once, & determined that she spent more in a heating bill than we did all of the bills combined. She nearly froze to death as she stayed in our guest bedroom. Our home was built on a corner lot & we were very proud that we were able to live in such an area. We built this house on an extremly tight budget - we could not even afford its closing cost. We had to call my dad to help us pay the fees when we were done building the home. The address was [edited] Norman, OK. This is the neighborhood we lived in when we met R.'s Godparents - M. & SE. T.  A. & P. S. lived there also. We, (your mother & I) were its youngest people in the neighborhood & our expectations were the greatest. We sodded the yard, planted shrubs & trees & did the necessary things one must do to make the house one's own home. I equat it to a signature on a document - your Mother & I signed off on this home as our personal creation. Your Uncle D. designed this house, your uncle T. constructed it & your Uncle M. did all of the plumbing in it. R., this was your 1st home to live in. We had everything! I sometimes wonder why we moved. I know I became frustrated w/ my job in Norman & Durant seemed to be a logical place to move to. But some how I long for those days in Norman. I find myself longing for happier days. I thought I was over the depression of our separation - but I find myself drying tears off the pages as I write. My heart has never been so broken. I don't think I'm angry any longer. I did my laundry @ D.'s last night & I told her of a recurring dream I was having - 

I'm driving a car, running from something & P [the daughter] is chasing me. I stop the car & she clings to me. I always cry at this moment & when I wake up I have tears everywhere. I woke up again today at 3:00 A. M.  - I went back to bed after midnight. Sometimes decisions we make in life create so much heartache & pain. I can't seem to change that that is within me, but by acknowledging it, I have created a void in past relationships. I've used the word void   because it is a much more appropriate word than the word change. I have actually voided certain things in our lives. I did not intend to do so. I sought help in October of 1993 to avoid all of this. I specifically asked the counselor if I could explore these feelings without losing my family. She assurred me that I could. I now sit in my section of the R.'s dwelling I call home. There are no sounds of children or family. It is like a funeral home, a place I can view the corpse of the remains of our family & must come to terms with the fact that it's life is over. I believe I'm mourning right now. If not for friends, I don't know how I could survive. I once read read where a little girl had been scolded for something she did. She went to her bedroom and hugged her Teddy bear & cried. Her father came into the room to explain to her why he corrected her for what she did. After visiting for a while, the dad extended his arms for her & she let go of the Teddy bear & squeezed & hugged her dad. There is not a substitute for the girl or the dad. They needed each other. A teddy bear is not a substitute for a dad/ parent. Nor is bitterness & anger a substitute for love. I miss you girls very much! I never want to replace or even attempt to replace you with anything! I will always love you. If it were not for the inner strength I find from my beliefs, I would surely of not lasted very long. Again, last night I thought it would be easier for me not to live than to continue to suffer as I have. I just want the pain to leave. This is why it is so important to have friends in your life. They help you when you are in a crisis. I heard that another friend just learned of my condition. She was told that I cross-dressed. Each time I hear that someone has been told of what I am, I feel as if I've been raped or violated. Rumors! Gossip rape the soul of others. People need to learn of this. 

I've now written my thoughts for the morning & feel a little better. I run w/ a group of friends a 5:40 A.M. each morning & the time to leave's almost here. I'm trying to stay loyal to my health with exercise, I just wish I could do something in order to rest again.