Found Diary - Twelfth Entry (3/1995)

We had a hearing concerning my dressing as I have become, in Idabel, OK. The court was there to listen to the complaint P. [the mother] had filed against me and my complaint concerning her. The original court order mandated by Judge S., specifically list the acceptable clothing I could wear while I was in your presence. It was a list consisting of all “boy” clothes. As W. and P. [the daughter] each know, I wear skirts, blouses, dresses, makeup, etc. The clothing mandated by the judicial system does not make an acception for church and going out in public. 

         New Years day- 

You kids know I was dating Dr. H. B. and I believe you enjoyed his company. He is a sweet person, but he too, must work through many issues. He was also going through a divorse & was living in a separate home other than his estranged wife or mine. He likes you kids – he even bought you full size Barbies but I would not let him give them to you as they were too expensive & he really could not afford them @ the time. He did however, invite the group of us to celebrate New Years day! W. you got a little motion sick. I guess the revolving restaurant did not set well w/ you. The only part of that evening you enjoyed was one of my favorite moments when you laid your head onto my lap. I was able to care for you. P. you got really excited about the party hats and ran a complete rotation around  the perimeter of the restaurant while screaming and searching for W. Everyone in the place genuinely enjoyed your precense. We dined, drank sodas & tea, ate steak & other gourmet food & retired back to the room where the three of us girls would enjoy another evening together. H. was saying goodnight when the midnight bells rang & all of us got silly. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 

H. left, but before he left the hotel & our company, the damage was already done – our picture had been taken by a private investigator hired by P. 

The picture was presented to the judge & I openly & honestly pleaded guilty … You were taken away from me. I miss you so much. 

Found Diary - Eighth Entry (3/20/94)

I joined the church today. It was a good day. Mommy filed for a divorse again last week. I suppose it was inevitable that it was going to happen. This time, it did not come as a surprise, actually it is a relief. I've not done anything outside the marriage. I guess when your mother & I finally end this relationship, the both of us will feel better. We've been away from each other too long to try again. I'm not going to change, at least I don't think so, and neither is your mother. She is a good person, but I learned some things about her that I don't understand. She seems to care for me and yet she seems bitter & angry. My friends in OKC said she was always very masculine. They think that maybe that is why I married her in the first place. Your mother & I started dating in college when my fraternity & her sorority did a dance together. She was so cute, yet she appeared strong. She wore mountain boots, jeans a corduroy jacket w/ patches on the elbows & an [unreadable] shirt. Her hair was thick, long and beautiful. Her eyes were dark brown & she had a clean spirit. She would ride her blue schwin bike to my fraternity home & she would deliver chocolate chip cookies to me. Her grandmother met me in OKC & I believe she was the grandmother I never had. T.J. met me & appeared happy to meet me. On P & my wedding day - he actually kissed me on the cheek.  T. J. is a caring person. I always said his heart was ten times bigger than M.'s. We spent Easter together @ Quail Creek country club. P. would hang on me as I smoked a cigarette. Your daddy used to smoke - did you know that? Hard to believe now isn't it? It's easter season right now - your mother will be 38 on Tuesday & this will be our first birthday in 15 years apart. Life is strange. I've met people this year that have been the most loving & caring people I do believe I know. I also have experienced a change & have noticed so much anger in others - anger turns to rage. I believe your mother is so angry w/ me that she does not know how much she hurts me. She never calls, writes or asks how I'm doing. In turn, I've turned apathetic to her. Last night I saw the cutest soap dispeners that were shaped as parrots. I almost purchased one, but realized that the person I was buying it for no longer exist. I keep a picture of the old person by my bed - you can see a cheerful spirit in that picture. That was my P. I do believe that our marriage was crumbling & that gave me enough reason to no longer supress these inner feelings. I believe if I were in love w/ your mother, or thought she was truly in love w/ me, I could have suppressed them or at least try longer. I also have a picture of your granny & Dado. This picture also reminds me of happier days. Not every thing in our lives have been disrupted, however, the things that seem to count the most have. Your Mother & I did, at one time, love each other more than I thought possible. We were struggling in Norman, OK when we first married. Our staple meal was peanut butter & bread. My mother came to visit us once, & determined that she spent more in a heating bill than we did all of the bills combined. She nearly froze to death as she stayed in our guest bedroom. Our home was built on a corner lot & we were very proud that we were able to live in such an area. We built this house on an extremly tight budget - we could not even afford its closing cost. We had to call my dad to help us pay the fees when we were done building the home. The address was [edited] Norman, OK. This is the neighborhood we lived in when we met R.'s Godparents - M. & SE. T.  A. & P. S. lived there also. We, (your mother & I) were its youngest people in the neighborhood & our expectations were the greatest. We sodded the yard, planted shrubs & trees & did the necessary things one must do to make the house one's own home. I equat it to a signature on a document - your Mother & I signed off on this home as our personal creation. Your Uncle D. designed this house, your uncle T. constructed it & your Uncle M. did all of the plumbing in it. R., this was your 1st home to live in. We had everything! I sometimes wonder why we moved. I know I became frustrated w/ my job in Norman & Durant seemed to be a logical place to move to. But some how I long for those days in Norman. I find myself longing for happier days. I thought I was over the depression of our separation - but I find myself drying tears off the pages as I write. My heart has never been so broken. I don't think I'm angry any longer. I did my laundry @ D.'s last night & I told her of a recurring dream I was having - 

I'm driving a car, running from something & P [the daughter] is chasing me. I stop the car & she clings to me. I always cry at this moment & when I wake up I have tears everywhere. I woke up again today at 3:00 A. M.  - I went back to bed after midnight. Sometimes decisions we make in life create so much heartache & pain. I can't seem to change that that is within me, but by acknowledging it, I have created a void in past relationships. I've used the word void   because it is a much more appropriate word than the word change. I have actually voided certain things in our lives. I did not intend to do so. I sought help in October of 1993 to avoid all of this. I specifically asked the counselor if I could explore these feelings without losing my family. She assurred me that I could. I now sit in my section of the R.'s dwelling I call home. There are no sounds of children or family. It is like a funeral home, a place I can view the corpse of the remains of our family & must come to terms with the fact that it's life is over. I believe I'm mourning right now. If not for friends, I don't know how I could survive. I once read read where a little girl had been scolded for something she did. She went to her bedroom and hugged her Teddy bear & cried. Her father came into the room to explain to her why he corrected her for what she did. After visiting for a while, the dad extended his arms for her & she let go of the Teddy bear & squeezed & hugged her dad. There is not a substitute for the girl or the dad. They needed each other. A teddy bear is not a substitute for a dad/ parent. Nor is bitterness & anger a substitute for love. I miss you girls very much! I never want to replace or even attempt to replace you with anything! I will always love you. If it were not for the inner strength I find from my beliefs, I would surely of not lasted very long. Again, last night I thought it would be easier for me not to live than to continue to suffer as I have. I just want the pain to leave. This is why it is so important to have friends in your life. They help you when you are in a crisis. I heard that another friend just learned of my condition. She was told that I cross-dressed. Each time I hear that someone has been told of what I am, I feel as if I've been raped or violated. Rumors! Gossip rape the soul of others. People need to learn of this. 

I've now written my thoughts for the morning & feel a little better. I run w/ a group of friends a 5:40 A.M. each morning & the time to leave's almost here. I'm trying to stay loyal to my health with exercise, I just wish I could do something in order to rest again.

Found Diary - Seventh Entry (3/5/94)

Last night was Friday, the day M. & D. H. formally separated. I called D. to inquire as to her well being. She is still praying & hoping M. will follow his heart & return home to a loving, caring & forgiving family. It appears that separation &/or divorse runs a predictable course & has various stages within the process. P. and I went to a new doctor last Thursday. She left in tears because he stated that in all his years of TS's, he had yet to see one change their mind. There is a great deal of ambivelence within our lives. This conflict of peace & unrest is continuous. One Christmas in years past the family sufferred the loss of a child. The child's name was L. B. S. He was your Aunt C.'s nephew. His death had a tremendous emotional impact on me. I cried profusly for several days. We went shopping on the day of his funeral in order to shift our own thoughts from his death. I came across a artificial Christmas tree that was absolutely beautiful. We purchased it and decorated it each Christmas. It's the tree you girls see each Christmas in our living room downstairs with gifts, a Christmas village, & a train set under neath it. This was my T. B. Tree, purchased soley to remind me of how wonderful & yet fragile life is. I know it is symbolic, but with the separation of me from the family, it too reminds me of how fragile things can be. R., your guinea pig is constantly out of water & I promise you it knows when I'm in the room & it makes that cute little noise, which I believe is a plea or cry for water. In turn I walk to its cage & find the bottle empty - so I fill it. W., your bird often times runs out of food so I would periodically go check if its feeder was filled with seed only to find it empty hulls.  Girls, there are so many areas in your life that you, individually, control the end result of one that is happiness or sadness. Life is fragile, therefore be slow in making judgements & be quick in lending a helpful hand. Like your pets - there are many souls that need fed spiritually, I am one of them. I said goodbye to your mother in a note the other day and within my note I reminded her of a movie we once saw. It was entitled "Being There". There is a scene in the movie where this illiterate person is making a profound statement. He is a gardener and is talk about a garden although those around him believe he is speaking metaphorically. He says, "as long as the roots are not severed, there will be growth in the spring." My advice to you girls is to keep from severing the roots. Instead, feed the roots and fertilize them. Then you will truly see (pardon the cliche) the fruits or flowers of your work. 

Love, Daddy.

Found Diary - Sixth Entry (3/1/94)

My first night @ a place other than the one I was at this past 14 (almost 15) years. Not the physical location of being @ a different place - but instead, a separation that is measurable because of two separate residences. I left for OKC @ 4:30 A.M. this morning after delivering papers, for my brother, to Dr. C. I felt sleepy, tired & sick to my stomach as I left Plano, TX. to Gainsville. It was all I could do to stay awake. After breakfast in Ardmore, OK I felt better. I arrived in OKC @ 10:00 A.M. I went to the bank. B.T., from the Fed. Reserve was to meet w/ the Board in OKC, however he drove to Towkawa instead. It appeared that all of us have been disoriented. W., R. & P., I called your mother today & asked that you guys go w/ Aunt C. away from the house in order for me to gather my belongings & move them to Sherman. I thought it was in your best interest not to see me move. I writing sloppy because I'm very tired! I called tonight, you guys were already asleep. I'm already seeing & feeling your absence. Your mother said we could go to lunch tomorrow - I'm looking forward to that, I love you girls! Since I was not able to tell you this - I choose to write it - some habits do have a meaning behind them . Please, never take love for granted. When I see you next, I will have missed a day in your lives, please don't let life pass you by so quickly that you fail to recognize that each day means so much. 

Found Diary - Fifth Entry - (2/19/94)

We went to the movies as a family. Your mother & I saw a very touching movie about a person dying of AIDS. It was sad to us or particularly me because I've felt the isolation caused by discrimination. After the movie, we went to the Olive Garden restaurant for supper. Mommy told me she had the divorse papers canceled & we would stay together - at least temporarily in order for you girls to finish this school year.On Sunday, the following day I received a telephone call from my attorney indicating that the divorse was still on schedule for a temporary hearing on Tuesday of the upcoming week. I turned to your mother & asked her what was going on. She said that her attorney was unable to file the dismissal papers on Friday & she would do so on tuesday. I felt as if I had been deceived. I guess when the bond of trust is broken , one hesitates to believe in others. 

Your mother & I had words over this. I left to have lunch w/ a friend in Sherman, TX. But before I left I wrote the following to your mother: 

P. - 

      I probably overreacted to my attorney's concern. Please understand that I'm extremely vulnerable right now. I enjoyed our last two days together & I hoped they were indicators of the future. I've been hurt by alot of people that go to our church, friends & family. I'm not at my breaking point, but I certainly do not want to experience what I went through last week over & over again. I do trust you. Love T. 

P.S. order me vegies on my pizza - I'll need the carbs to do all the work I must do to get us going again - financially & emotionally. 

Again this was in response to the attorney's  notice. I felt as if the bond of trust which had been our marriage's foundation was showing signs of deterioration & stress. My heart has been broken too many times & I simply cannot put myself through the stress of separation again. A marriage that withstood financial struggles, deaths, a miscarriage & birth was rapidly becoming a memory rather than an ongoing process. I said earlier that I felt the isolation of separation & have been in its revolving door too long. P. has not  felt the pain associated with deception & separation. She, therefore, cannot, assess a value to its pain. When we watched the movie last night , there was an opera scene where tears easily flow from the viewing audience. She apologized for her behavior and actions directed towards me. She has been angry. The heart must be accountable for the actions of the person. I do not believe the heart has a contradicting voice - it merely responds. 

Many people try to explain their actions by the spoken word, and it is true you can document your desired feelings. But the actions inspiried by the heart will always correct spoken descriptions. Mommy's heart was pure - she does indeed love me.