Found Diary - Fourth Entry Part 2

The reason there is no cure is because I do not see what I am as a sickness. How can you fix that which is not broken? After being admitted to the hospital, the MSW (K) took me to my room. They would not let me take my suitcase to the room until they had time to go through it. I did not realize it at the time – but they thought I was suicidal & would hurt myself. Therefore, they only allowed me to take my tooth brush & tooth paste along w/ my brush to my room. They gave me a hospital gown to wear & told me they would check on me later. Later actually turned out meaning every 15 minutes. Again – they thought I was going to hurt myself. I met with a nurse named N. and felt quite comfortable w/ her. Then the next morning (actually, later in the morning) I met with L. L. MSW.

She performed a serious of procedures which involved questions asked to me which were previously gone over with another social worker. As I spoke to her, she seemed to understand the pain I was having. She gave me her business card & made sure I was aware of my rights as a patient of this hospital. About 1 hour later, another person came by & asked similar questions. Then a doctor visited with me about my so-called “illness”. After we visited, she said other doctors would be visiting with me. They took consistent action to measure my vital signs – They drew blood & gave me an EKG, I could not determine why they did all the testing they did. After all of the tests, they introduced me to the other patients. There were approximately 6 people in the hospital that cut themselves in an attempt to kill themselves. Two other people took pills; there were 2 people that were manic depressants (sp) & there was 1 me. I became close to these people. I always imagined that people who tried to kill themself were crazy. This was not the case. These people were normal in most respects. They experienced extreme pain & no longer knew a way out other than destroying, themselves. I became particularly close to one young lady & we visited on several occasions.

Although the hospital did not seem applicable for my diagnosis, it did provide me with an opportunity to get in touch with myself. It was there that I realized that one should never act on fear alone. My desparation brought me to the hospital. Fear of loosing someone is not a valid reason to stay in a relationship! Nor is any other reason that brings harm to you. Fear is something God gave us in order to protect ourself from other dangers. When your heart beats faster & you feel frightened, one sometimes reacts better with the rush you get from the adrenaline and therefore is able to do physical tasks better. Mentally it seems that fear can control you where you cannot function as well. When I returned from the hospital, there was no celebration. The hospital failed to achieve the desired goals my parents desperatly sought. As I write to you girls, I feel this sense of obligation to move on in order for your worlds to remain unscathed. There is no way to undue that which has been done. The rumors are already starting to ripple through the town of Durant. I will not apologize for my actions- & will respond in a non-confirming manner to those who inquire. I was humiliated while in the hospital by having to listen to the intimate details of my love life your mother disclosed to the Doctor & my parents. Never Again will I allow myself to be humiliated in such a fashion. When I returned home, people felt sympathetic towards mommy. As for me – I was seen as an evil, undesirable person. Only the doctor in Tulsa expressed sorrow for my condition. He said he cannot imagine the incredible pain I’m must be experiencing. He recommended that I stay a couple of extra days to think about everything. I refused by saying the cost incurred by staying would be better served at the Ritz Carlton in Aspen. The Doctor discharged me immediately and I returned home.