Found Diary - Fourteenth Entry (3/19/95)

Tomorrow, when I awake, the pain will begin to cease. I've never been capable of putting my inner pain of confusion adequately into words. My father, on earth is extremely wise. He once told me that unless he was a T.S. himself, he could never understand the pain I experienced. He also said that unless I never had feelings of being a T., I could never  understand his pain as a father, parent or friend. I know he is right. I guess that is why I stopped trying to educate the world as to TS. There are a lot of people that have accessed a verdict of guilt on me. They are probably justifying their ruling based on their own way of life. By this standard, we are our own God. Please be careful not to judge, for there th truly cannot be two Gods. 

Pray for insight, God will answer. My parents are wonderful, caring Christians. They too, have seen suffering, Mom told me that each of us have a battle to face. I agree, It may be alcholism, cocaine, drugs, gay, lesbian or transexualism, no matter the issue, it is how we respond after the battle has been fought that determines the extent of our enlightenment. There have many that have thrown the Old Testament Laws found in Deut. at me and asked me to explain how I could be a TS living as God would will for me to live. I continually find writings from Paul, to his friends in Rome, concerning such issues.  Please read Romans 4:15 & 16 about the Jewish Law. But more importantly, Paul's guidance & teachings have been lived by me & also by you. Romans 5:3 .. "we can rejoice, too when we run into problems & trials for we know that they are good for us - they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us - they help us learn to trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong & steady. Then as Paul's writings tell us, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know all is well, for God truly loves us. 

I have faith that God cares and wants the pain to cease. Also, Roman's 14:2-4 ..... We are all God's servants, not others. Let God tell us whether we are right or wrong. And God is able to make them do as they should. 

It is now 9:40 P.M. eastern time. In less that 12 hours I will be surgically corrected. I've prayed to God for this miricle most days of my life, now it shall come to pass. In celebration of the surgery and of life itself, I decided to purchase music for the surgeon to play as he operates. If, indeed, this is my last day on God's planet Earth, I want to go home with music in my heart. For this reason and too, because it is the Easter season, I selected George Frederic Handel, Messiah to be play in the oper. room. I have lived a fulfilled rich life. Only has the past year given me a relationship w/ God the Father, Jesus His Son & the Holy Spirit. I lighted a prayer candle at the Holy Immaculate (sp) Conception Church today, earlier this morning. I examined the whether resistent, time immuned stain glass windows in the Catherdal. They were beautiful - Gods Life displayed in Stain Glass. I dipped my hand in Holy Water & made the crucifix motion on my body. I kiss the crucified Jesus's feet. Please know this & believe this - I believe w/ all my heart, body & soul Jesus is Lord. Please let HIm be the Lord of your life. This shall be my last entry. I'm tearing up now, IF I should leave this world, Please know each night of my life I've prayed, longed or hurt for your presense. I do miss you dearly. I now can feel. And because of this, I now can Love. I hope to see you soon. If not, remember my words and hold to the teachings of Paul and the acceptance of Christ as the one true God. You will be tempted,. tested, hurt, rejected, isolated, convicted, persecuted & condemed in your lifetime. You too will be able to survive any afflection if you hold strong to your belief in God. IT has enabled me to write these words - Prhaps my last, but none the less - I've become more enlightened from my sorrows & have found peace in Jesus. Please be kind to each other - my children, my daughters my joy. Pray. I don't want to stop writing, but I must. I hope I've been able to share a few things w/ you. Until we see each other again - I love you. My heart is broken, but I know you too, love me, 

Mom

Found Diary - Fourth Entry Part 2

The reason there is no cure is because I do not see what I am as a sickness. How can you fix that which is not broken? After being admitted to the hospital, the MSW (K) took me to my room. They would not let me take my suitcase to the room until they had time to go through it. I did not realize it at the time – but they thought I was suicidal & would hurt myself. Therefore, they only allowed me to take my tooth brush & tooth paste along w/ my brush to my room. They gave me a hospital gown to wear & told me they would check on me later. Later actually turned out meaning every 15 minutes. Again – they thought I was going to hurt myself. I met with a nurse named N. and felt quite comfortable w/ her. Then the next morning (actually, later in the morning) I met with L. L. MSW.

She performed a serious of procedures which involved questions asked to me which were previously gone over with another social worker. As I spoke to her, she seemed to understand the pain I was having. She gave me her business card & made sure I was aware of my rights as a patient of this hospital. About 1 hour later, another person came by & asked similar questions. Then a doctor visited with me about my so-called “illness”. After we visited, she said other doctors would be visiting with me. They took consistent action to measure my vital signs – They drew blood & gave me an EKG, I could not determine why they did all the testing they did. After all of the tests, they introduced me to the other patients. There were approximately 6 people in the hospital that cut themselves in an attempt to kill themselves. Two other people took pills; there were 2 people that were manic depressants (sp) & there was 1 me. I became close to these people. I always imagined that people who tried to kill themself were crazy. This was not the case. These people were normal in most respects. They experienced extreme pain & no longer knew a way out other than destroying, themselves. I became particularly close to one young lady & we visited on several occasions.

Although the hospital did not seem applicable for my diagnosis, it did provide me with an opportunity to get in touch with myself. It was there that I realized that one should never act on fear alone. My desparation brought me to the hospital. Fear of loosing someone is not a valid reason to stay in a relationship! Nor is any other reason that brings harm to you. Fear is something God gave us in order to protect ourself from other dangers. When your heart beats faster & you feel frightened, one sometimes reacts better with the rush you get from the adrenaline and therefore is able to do physical tasks better. Mentally it seems that fear can control you where you cannot function as well. When I returned from the hospital, there was no celebration. The hospital failed to achieve the desired goals my parents desperatly sought. As I write to you girls, I feel this sense of obligation to move on in order for your worlds to remain unscathed. There is no way to undue that which has been done. The rumors are already starting to ripple through the town of Durant. I will not apologize for my actions- & will respond in a non-confirming manner to those who inquire. I was humiliated while in the hospital by having to listen to the intimate details of my love life your mother disclosed to the Doctor & my parents. Never Again will I allow myself to be humiliated in such a fashion. When I returned home, people felt sympathetic towards mommy. As for me – I was seen as an evil, undesirable person. Only the doctor in Tulsa expressed sorrow for my condition. He said he cannot imagine the incredible pain I’m must be experiencing. He recommended that I stay a couple of extra days to think about everything. I refused by saying the cost incurred by staying would be better served at the Ritz Carlton in Aspen. The Doctor discharged me immediately and I returned home.

Found Diary - Third Entry (No Date)

There is so much to tell write & tell you. I'm sitting in a small bakery (La Madeleine) alone, eating my supper as I write to you. I feel as if we will be growing apart due to the circumstances in my life. I have exposed you to a part of your father that many consider abnormal - including your mother. I sometimes think that peoples brains are filled to their capacity and people just don't want to make room for new & different ideas. It's like a glass filled with water, in order to put a new liquid in it, one must first empty a portion of the glass. 

Please try not to fill your minds with information that can never be modified by new knowledge. This is part of the educational process. I think I've lost my family as I write this because of their lack of understanding, but more important, willingness to learn more. It's perfectly all right to have concrete stances in life such as morals & ethics - never abandon these. But if there is something in your life that causes grief to others or simply causes prejudice in your life - please be open to new thoughts & ideas. My parents have always joked & excercised discrimination to gays & other minorities because of their lack of empathy. They never will be able to again without realizing it is hurting a friend. 

I wish I could give each of you a book of your own, and perhaps I shall. But I feel it's important for the three of you to communicate & discuss these issues among yourselves. Although you are young, you appear very wise. This diary is provided to share with you the basic principals your father stands for. Honesty & love seem to have the greatest impact on those around me. I cried this morning in the arms of R. i cried yesterday in the arms of W. I know I'm emotional, but I love you very much. I wrote to your mother about tears of separation. I do believe these are the tears Christ himself wept. Its alright to cry - it actually feels good. No matter where my journey takes me - my love for you continues to plea w/ your mother to let you three go with me. If we do indeed become distant due to lack of visits, I shall never forgive myself. I'm not ashamed of what I am. Actually, it is because of what I am becoming that allows me to express a greater love to you. I never used to cry. I didn't ever cry at my brothers funeral & I still don't know why. I loved him very much, but I had to be strong because I was viewed as the family anchor. The problem with being the anchor is that you sink to bottom of the sea. Now everyone around me is concerned. I have lost weight & my face is worn with stress. I feel as if I could go into an endless sleep. I have sheltered you girls from my abnormalities & that's what brought me to Dallas. W. you asked me if I loved you. Of course I do. 

There are some questions that even adults cannot answer. Only God gives wisdom & answers to such questions and I'm not him. I wrote mommy about things I like & didn't like. There are pictures of things that don't make sense. Like a man maybe walking up a set of stairs while in the same picture a person is walking down them on the reverse side. E. L. Escher is its artist. Ask to see this painting & perhaps you'll understand why things sometimes contradict themselves.