Found Diary - Fifth Entry - (2/19/94)

We went to the movies as a family. Your mother & I saw a very touching movie about a person dying of AIDS. It was sad to us or particularly me because I've felt the isolation caused by discrimination. After the movie, we went to the Olive Garden restaurant for supper. Mommy told me she had the divorse papers canceled & we would stay together - at least temporarily in order for you girls to finish this school year.On Sunday, the following day I received a telephone call from my attorney indicating that the divorse was still on schedule for a temporary hearing on Tuesday of the upcoming week. I turned to your mother & asked her what was going on. She said that her attorney was unable to file the dismissal papers on Friday & she would do so on tuesday. I felt as if I had been deceived. I guess when the bond of trust is broken , one hesitates to believe in others. 

Your mother & I had words over this. I left to have lunch w/ a friend in Sherman, TX. But before I left I wrote the following to your mother: 

P. - 

      I probably overreacted to my attorney's concern. Please understand that I'm extremely vulnerable right now. I enjoyed our last two days together & I hoped they were indicators of the future. I've been hurt by alot of people that go to our church, friends & family. I'm not at my breaking point, but I certainly do not want to experience what I went through last week over & over again. I do trust you. Love T. 

P.S. order me vegies on my pizza - I'll need the carbs to do all the work I must do to get us going again - financially & emotionally. 

Again this was in response to the attorney's  notice. I felt as if the bond of trust which had been our marriage's foundation was showing signs of deterioration & stress. My heart has been broken too many times & I simply cannot put myself through the stress of separation again. A marriage that withstood financial struggles, deaths, a miscarriage & birth was rapidly becoming a memory rather than an ongoing process. I said earlier that I felt the isolation of separation & have been in its revolving door too long. P. has not  felt the pain associated with deception & separation. She, therefore, cannot, assess a value to its pain. When we watched the movie last night , there was an opera scene where tears easily flow from the viewing audience. She apologized for her behavior and actions directed towards me. She has been angry. The heart must be accountable for the actions of the person. I do not believe the heart has a contradicting voice - it merely responds. 

Many people try to explain their actions by the spoken word, and it is true you can document your desired feelings. But the actions inspiried by the heart will always correct spoken descriptions. Mommy's heart was pure - she does indeed love me.