Found Diary - Final Entry (3/25/95)

MORNING 

O smell sweat the fragrance of the meadows 

For the newness of life can be confirmed with the morning dew. With renewed life, brings forth hope for joy & peace amoung ourseleves. Let us sing in harmony for the souls of the unborn - in that they shall bring a message of love to all. 

NOON 

I awoke to find tranquility. I've been touched by the healing power of God. The prayers of friends have assended into heaven & have been heard. What joy we find through love. I'm inspired by the writings of other companions in Christ. Let the voice of sin be turned to a pearl of forgiveness. In other words, grow in Christ & forgive those whom done wrong in the sight of our Lord & have discouraged our walk w/ God. Only you have the power to distance yourself from His Grace. Therefore, find strength in His path for He is close by our sidee. Walk righteously, speak softly, listen diligently and laugh /w Christ. For he truly wants us to experience His joy. May God give you peace & wisdom - that is my prayer for you, my children on this day of healing. 

Evening 

Father J. M. lost his niece tonight from cancer. As I read a passage from quotes of God, "Sorrow May endure this evening, but joy shall returneth in the morning." A message of hope we can all apply to our lives. 

Goodnight 

Found Diary - Fourteenth Entry (3/19/95)

Tomorrow, when I awake, the pain will begin to cease. I've never been capable of putting my inner pain of confusion adequately into words. My father, on earth is extremely wise. He once told me that unless he was a T.S. himself, he could never understand the pain I experienced. He also said that unless I never had feelings of being a T., I could never  understand his pain as a father, parent or friend. I know he is right. I guess that is why I stopped trying to educate the world as to TS. There are a lot of people that have accessed a verdict of guilt on me. They are probably justifying their ruling based on their own way of life. By this standard, we are our own God. Please be careful not to judge, for there th truly cannot be two Gods. 

Pray for insight, God will answer. My parents are wonderful, caring Christians. They too, have seen suffering, Mom told me that each of us have a battle to face. I agree, It may be alcholism, cocaine, drugs, gay, lesbian or transexualism, no matter the issue, it is how we respond after the battle has been fought that determines the extent of our enlightenment. There have many that have thrown the Old Testament Laws found in Deut. at me and asked me to explain how I could be a TS living as God would will for me to live. I continually find writings from Paul, to his friends in Rome, concerning such issues.  Please read Romans 4:15 & 16 about the Jewish Law. But more importantly, Paul's guidance & teachings have been lived by me & also by you. Romans 5:3 .. "we can rejoice, too when we run into problems & trials for we know that they are good for us - they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us - they help us learn to trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong & steady. Then as Paul's writings tell us, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know all is well, for God truly loves us. 

I have faith that God cares and wants the pain to cease. Also, Roman's 14:2-4 ..... We are all God's servants, not others. Let God tell us whether we are right or wrong. And God is able to make them do as they should. 

It is now 9:40 P.M. eastern time. In less that 12 hours I will be surgically corrected. I've prayed to God for this miricle most days of my life, now it shall come to pass. In celebration of the surgery and of life itself, I decided to purchase music for the surgeon to play as he operates. If, indeed, this is my last day on God's planet Earth, I want to go home with music in my heart. For this reason and too, because it is the Easter season, I selected George Frederic Handel, Messiah to be play in the oper. room. I have lived a fulfilled rich life. Only has the past year given me a relationship w/ God the Father, Jesus His Son & the Holy Spirit. I lighted a prayer candle at the Holy Immaculate (sp) Conception Church today, earlier this morning. I examined the whether resistent, time immuned stain glass windows in the Catherdal. They were beautiful - Gods Life displayed in Stain Glass. I dipped my hand in Holy Water & made the crucifix motion on my body. I kiss the crucified Jesus's feet. Please know this & believe this - I believe w/ all my heart, body & soul Jesus is Lord. Please let HIm be the Lord of your life. This shall be my last entry. I'm tearing up now, IF I should leave this world, Please know each night of my life I've prayed, longed or hurt for your presense. I do miss you dearly. I now can feel. And because of this, I now can Love. I hope to see you soon. If not, remember my words and hold to the teachings of Paul and the acceptance of Christ as the one true God. You will be tempted,. tested, hurt, rejected, isolated, convicted, persecuted & condemed in your lifetime. You too will be able to survive any afflection if you hold strong to your belief in God. IT has enabled me to write these words - Prhaps my last, but none the less - I've become more enlightened from my sorrows & have found peace in Jesus. Please be kind to each other - my children, my daughters my joy. Pray. I don't want to stop writing, but I must. I hope I've been able to share a few things w/ you. Until we see each other again - I love you. My heart is broken, but I know you too, love me, 

Mom

Found Diary - Thirteenth Entry (3/18/95)

I’ll check into the hospital tomorrow evening. My last day as a male. Given the awareness that a death is occurring, I also realize that death brings birth. M. L. loaned me a book to read while I was on my trip to Canada. It is entitled “Hope for the Flowers.” It beautifully depicts what my life has meant to me. 

Sometimes one must take a chance to risk all that you have to do what is instinctivly & spiritually correct. I will officially end my life as T. and forever more be L. 

Girls, if I die, please know my love for you was great. However, please also accept that my change was not based on my love or lack of love for you. Instead, it was truly that instinctual drive that was present since birth. I know God has greatness planned for you – Follow your heart, hold to your dreams, and never give up hope. 

You are loved. My mom & dad, along with T.J. & M. strongly love you. P. loves you too. Please do not be angry with her if something happens to me. Instead, help her by remaining loyal to your studies and helpful to your sisters. By doing so, you will help yourself.

Found Diary - Twelfth Entry (3/1995)

We had a hearing concerning my dressing as I have become, in Idabel, OK. The court was there to listen to the complaint P. [the mother] had filed against me and my complaint concerning her. The original court order mandated by Judge S., specifically list the acceptable clothing I could wear while I was in your presence. It was a list consisting of all “boy” clothes. As W. and P. [the daughter] each know, I wear skirts, blouses, dresses, makeup, etc. The clothing mandated by the judicial system does not make an acception for church and going out in public. 

         New Years day- 

You kids know I was dating Dr. H. B. and I believe you enjoyed his company. He is a sweet person, but he too, must work through many issues. He was also going through a divorse & was living in a separate home other than his estranged wife or mine. He likes you kids – he even bought you full size Barbies but I would not let him give them to you as they were too expensive & he really could not afford them @ the time. He did however, invite the group of us to celebrate New Years day! W. you got a little motion sick. I guess the revolving restaurant did not set well w/ you. The only part of that evening you enjoyed was one of my favorite moments when you laid your head onto my lap. I was able to care for you. P. you got really excited about the party hats and ran a complete rotation around  the perimeter of the restaurant while screaming and searching for W. Everyone in the place genuinely enjoyed your precense. We dined, drank sodas & tea, ate steak & other gourmet food & retired back to the room where the three of us girls would enjoy another evening together. H. was saying goodnight when the midnight bells rang & all of us got silly. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 

H. left, but before he left the hotel & our company, the damage was already done – our picture had been taken by a private investigator hired by P. 

The picture was presented to the judge & I openly & honestly pleaded guilty … You were taken away from me. I miss you so much. 

Found Diary - Eleventh Entry (12/7/94)

I missed Thanksgiving dinner w/ you girls this year. Actually, it’s the 1st  time in my life I did not share Thanksgiving day w. a family member. It was not as difficult as I had earlier imagined. I guess because I built up a resistance to sorrow. I allowed myself a period of grieving prior to Thanksgiving day. I also sheltered myself from the storm of memories brought about by too much meditation on things of past. I found refuge from in the w/ allowing my spirit to share in the spiriting act of caring.

Found Diary - Tenth Entry (9/7/1994)

Life is filled with challenges, trials, joy, excitement, sorrow & fulfillment. I'm not certain as to how one can experience each of these, supposedly, independent emotions at the same moment. I feel pain & anger. I attempt to call my daughters and find that the phone to which I used has been blocked by the other parent & thus, I can only get a recording. I've been ordered to wear boy clothes while I'm with you girls or I'll be held in contempt of court. I'm so confused because I truly wish to be with you & yet I feel as if I'm in prison while wearing clothes of the opposite sex. I spoke to a group of friends recently & expressed to them my fears of looking grey in a binary polarized world. I believe I'm gaining a better understanding of Christianity.... the beatitudes are starting to make sense, as well as certain parables spoken by Christ. Continue to be open & you will gain knowledge. I believe I can no longer write to you as your father. I now believe I'm a mother and, accordingly want to care for you compassionately.

Found Diary - Ninth Entry (6/4/1994)

Girls, it's been awhile since I last wrote. Several events transpired since my last entry & I got caught up in feelings of self sorrow & pity. One should be extremely careful when coping with issues others cannot even begin to comprehend. 

My birth certificate has been legally changed to disclose my gender as female instead of a male. I also made the necessary changes in my drivers license, college transcripts & CPA certificate. I have been placed on higher doses of estrogen & have been cross-living as a woman since May 1, 1994. I truly have been transforming into L.P.R. 

The most difficult task to date has been my being absent from you. I've already realized that R. is experiencing great difficulty in accepting my transformation. I've not seen her for approximately a month and one half. W. and P. have remained consistently loyal & accepting of me. I'm not quite certain if this is due to your young age or if you are simply so much in love with me that you have chosen to ignore my change in outward appearance. Regardless, it is something we are learning about together. 

As stated earlier, I look more female than male. The court has oprdered me, temporarily, not to wear makeup, jewelry, feminine footwear, etc. in your precense. The greatest delimnia this poses is people don't now what I am when I'm in public with you. 

We get many stares while out [unreadable] you call me Dad. People [unreadable] you kids are confused. [Unreadable] most dysfunctional family in Sherman, TX. This does not disturb me and apparently it has not disturbed you. Your mother has asked you on several weekends when you were to be with me if you would like to go with her to OKC, Whichita KS, etc. Consistently you have refused & chose to stay with me, I cannot tell you how wonderful this makes me feel. My attorney has helped me deal with most of my fears. I do believe this mascrade (sp?) will come to an end & we will be L. with her children. Maybe even R. will come around. 

Now for the good news. I was once confused not about my gender as much as I thought, but instead my desires to suceed. There is absolutely nothing wrong w/ desiring wealth. Just do not let it consume your every tohught. If anything preoccupys your every thought, wish or desire then you probably need help. My being a TS consumed my every moment since I can remember. Now that I have chosen to cross-live my thoughts are no longer consumed w/ seeking sexual congruence. I can now live & function as a woman. I'm trying very hard to take on all the ways of women. This too has been difficult, but I've learned to be patient. Make my mistakes & accept the fact that they will be made.