Found Diary - Eighth Entry (3/20/94)

I joined the church today. It was a good day. Mommy filed for a divorse again last week. I suppose it was inevitable that it was going to happen. This time, it did not come as a surprise, actually it is a relief. I've not done anything outside the marriage. I guess when your mother & I finally end this relationship, the both of us will feel better. We've been away from each other too long to try again. I'm not going to change, at least I don't think so, and neither is your mother. She is a good person, but I learned some things about her that I don't understand. She seems to care for me and yet she seems bitter & angry. My friends in OKC said she was always very masculine. They think that maybe that is why I married her in the first place. Your mother & I started dating in college when my fraternity & her sorority did a dance together. She was so cute, yet she appeared strong. She wore mountain boots, jeans a corduroy jacket w/ patches on the elbows & an [unreadable] shirt. Her hair was thick, long and beautiful. Her eyes were dark brown & she had a clean spirit. She would ride her blue schwin bike to my fraternity home & she would deliver chocolate chip cookies to me. Her grandmother met me in OKC & I believe she was the grandmother I never had. T.J. met me & appeared happy to meet me. On P & my wedding day - he actually kissed me on the cheek.  T. J. is a caring person. I always said his heart was ten times bigger than M.'s. We spent Easter together @ Quail Creek country club. P. would hang on me as I smoked a cigarette. Your daddy used to smoke - did you know that? Hard to believe now isn't it? It's easter season right now - your mother will be 38 on Tuesday & this will be our first birthday in 15 years apart. Life is strange. I've met people this year that have been the most loving & caring people I do believe I know. I also have experienced a change & have noticed so much anger in others - anger turns to rage. I believe your mother is so angry w/ me that she does not know how much she hurts me. She never calls, writes or asks how I'm doing. In turn, I've turned apathetic to her. Last night I saw the cutest soap dispeners that were shaped as parrots. I almost purchased one, but realized that the person I was buying it for no longer exist. I keep a picture of the old person by my bed - you can see a cheerful spirit in that picture. That was my P. I do believe that our marriage was crumbling & that gave me enough reason to no longer supress these inner feelings. I believe if I were in love w/ your mother, or thought she was truly in love w/ me, I could have suppressed them or at least try longer. I also have a picture of your granny & Dado. This picture also reminds me of happier days. Not every thing in our lives have been disrupted, however, the things that seem to count the most have. Your Mother & I did, at one time, love each other more than I thought possible. We were struggling in Norman, OK when we first married. Our staple meal was peanut butter & bread. My mother came to visit us once, & determined that she spent more in a heating bill than we did all of the bills combined. She nearly froze to death as she stayed in our guest bedroom. Our home was built on a corner lot & we were very proud that we were able to live in such an area. We built this house on an extremly tight budget - we could not even afford its closing cost. We had to call my dad to help us pay the fees when we were done building the home. The address was [edited] Norman, OK. This is the neighborhood we lived in when we met R.'s Godparents - M. & SE. T.  A. & P. S. lived there also. We, (your mother & I) were its youngest people in the neighborhood & our expectations were the greatest. We sodded the yard, planted shrubs & trees & did the necessary things one must do to make the house one's own home. I equat it to a signature on a document - your Mother & I signed off on this home as our personal creation. Your Uncle D. designed this house, your uncle T. constructed it & your Uncle M. did all of the plumbing in it. R., this was your 1st home to live in. We had everything! I sometimes wonder why we moved. I know I became frustrated w/ my job in Norman & Durant seemed to be a logical place to move to. But some how I long for those days in Norman. I find myself longing for happier days. I thought I was over the depression of our separation - but I find myself drying tears off the pages as I write. My heart has never been so broken. I don't think I'm angry any longer. I did my laundry @ D.'s last night & I told her of a recurring dream I was having - 

I'm driving a car, running from something & P [the daughter] is chasing me. I stop the car & she clings to me. I always cry at this moment & when I wake up I have tears everywhere. I woke up again today at 3:00 A. M.  - I went back to bed after midnight. Sometimes decisions we make in life create so much heartache & pain. I can't seem to change that that is within me, but by acknowledging it, I have created a void in past relationships. I've used the word void   because it is a much more appropriate word than the word change. I have actually voided certain things in our lives. I did not intend to do so. I sought help in October of 1993 to avoid all of this. I specifically asked the counselor if I could explore these feelings without losing my family. She assurred me that I could. I now sit in my section of the R.'s dwelling I call home. There are no sounds of children or family. It is like a funeral home, a place I can view the corpse of the remains of our family & must come to terms with the fact that it's life is over. I believe I'm mourning right now. If not for friends, I don't know how I could survive. I once read read where a little girl had been scolded for something she did. She went to her bedroom and hugged her Teddy bear & cried. Her father came into the room to explain to her why he corrected her for what she did. After visiting for a while, the dad extended his arms for her & she let go of the Teddy bear & squeezed & hugged her dad. There is not a substitute for the girl or the dad. They needed each other. A teddy bear is not a substitute for a dad/ parent. Nor is bitterness & anger a substitute for love. I miss you girls very much! I never want to replace or even attempt to replace you with anything! I will always love you. If it were not for the inner strength I find from my beliefs, I would surely of not lasted very long. Again, last night I thought it would be easier for me not to live than to continue to suffer as I have. I just want the pain to leave. This is why it is so important to have friends in your life. They help you when you are in a crisis. I heard that another friend just learned of my condition. She was told that I cross-dressed. Each time I hear that someone has been told of what I am, I feel as if I've been raped or violated. Rumors! Gossip rape the soul of others. People need to learn of this. 

I've now written my thoughts for the morning & feel a little better. I run w/ a group of friends a 5:40 A.M. each morning & the time to leave's almost here. I'm trying to stay loyal to my health with exercise, I just wish I could do something in order to rest again.

Found Diary - Seventh Entry (3/5/94)

Last night was Friday, the day M. & D. H. formally separated. I called D. to inquire as to her well being. She is still praying & hoping M. will follow his heart & return home to a loving, caring & forgiving family. It appears that separation &/or divorse runs a predictable course & has various stages within the process. P. and I went to a new doctor last Thursday. She left in tears because he stated that in all his years of TS's, he had yet to see one change their mind. There is a great deal of ambivelence within our lives. This conflict of peace & unrest is continuous. One Christmas in years past the family sufferred the loss of a child. The child's name was L. B. S. He was your Aunt C.'s nephew. His death had a tremendous emotional impact on me. I cried profusly for several days. We went shopping on the day of his funeral in order to shift our own thoughts from his death. I came across a artificial Christmas tree that was absolutely beautiful. We purchased it and decorated it each Christmas. It's the tree you girls see each Christmas in our living room downstairs with gifts, a Christmas village, & a train set under neath it. This was my T. B. Tree, purchased soley to remind me of how wonderful & yet fragile life is. I know it is symbolic, but with the separation of me from the family, it too reminds me of how fragile things can be. R., your guinea pig is constantly out of water & I promise you it knows when I'm in the room & it makes that cute little noise, which I believe is a plea or cry for water. In turn I walk to its cage & find the bottle empty - so I fill it. W., your bird often times runs out of food so I would periodically go check if its feeder was filled with seed only to find it empty hulls.  Girls, there are so many areas in your life that you, individually, control the end result of one that is happiness or sadness. Life is fragile, therefore be slow in making judgements & be quick in lending a helpful hand. Like your pets - there are many souls that need fed spiritually, I am one of them. I said goodbye to your mother in a note the other day and within my note I reminded her of a movie we once saw. It was entitled "Being There". There is a scene in the movie where this illiterate person is making a profound statement. He is a gardener and is talk about a garden although those around him believe he is speaking metaphorically. He says, "as long as the roots are not severed, there will be growth in the spring." My advice to you girls is to keep from severing the roots. Instead, feed the roots and fertilize them. Then you will truly see (pardon the cliche) the fruits or flowers of your work. 

Love, Daddy.

Found Diary - Sixth Entry (3/1/94)

My first night @ a place other than the one I was at this past 14 (almost 15) years. Not the physical location of being @ a different place - but instead, a separation that is measurable because of two separate residences. I left for OKC @ 4:30 A.M. this morning after delivering papers, for my brother, to Dr. C. I felt sleepy, tired & sick to my stomach as I left Plano, TX. to Gainsville. It was all I could do to stay awake. After breakfast in Ardmore, OK I felt better. I arrived in OKC @ 10:00 A.M. I went to the bank. B.T., from the Fed. Reserve was to meet w/ the Board in OKC, however he drove to Towkawa instead. It appeared that all of us have been disoriented. W., R. & P., I called your mother today & asked that you guys go w/ Aunt C. away from the house in order for me to gather my belongings & move them to Sherman. I thought it was in your best interest not to see me move. I writing sloppy because I'm very tired! I called tonight, you guys were already asleep. I'm already seeing & feeling your absence. Your mother said we could go to lunch tomorrow - I'm looking forward to that, I love you girls! Since I was not able to tell you this - I choose to write it - some habits do have a meaning behind them . Please, never take love for granted. When I see you next, I will have missed a day in your lives, please don't let life pass you by so quickly that you fail to recognize that each day means so much. 

Found Diary - Fifth Entry - (2/19/94)

We went to the movies as a family. Your mother & I saw a very touching movie about a person dying of AIDS. It was sad to us or particularly me because I've felt the isolation caused by discrimination. After the movie, we went to the Olive Garden restaurant for supper. Mommy told me she had the divorse papers canceled & we would stay together - at least temporarily in order for you girls to finish this school year.On Sunday, the following day I received a telephone call from my attorney indicating that the divorse was still on schedule for a temporary hearing on Tuesday of the upcoming week. I turned to your mother & asked her what was going on. She said that her attorney was unable to file the dismissal papers on Friday & she would do so on tuesday. I felt as if I had been deceived. I guess when the bond of trust is broken , one hesitates to believe in others. 

Your mother & I had words over this. I left to have lunch w/ a friend in Sherman, TX. But before I left I wrote the following to your mother: 

P. - 

      I probably overreacted to my attorney's concern. Please understand that I'm extremely vulnerable right now. I enjoyed our last two days together & I hoped they were indicators of the future. I've been hurt by alot of people that go to our church, friends & family. I'm not at my breaking point, but I certainly do not want to experience what I went through last week over & over again. I do trust you. Love T. 

P.S. order me vegies on my pizza - I'll need the carbs to do all the work I must do to get us going again - financially & emotionally. 

Again this was in response to the attorney's  notice. I felt as if the bond of trust which had been our marriage's foundation was showing signs of deterioration & stress. My heart has been broken too many times & I simply cannot put myself through the stress of separation again. A marriage that withstood financial struggles, deaths, a miscarriage & birth was rapidly becoming a memory rather than an ongoing process. I said earlier that I felt the isolation of separation & have been in its revolving door too long. P. has not  felt the pain associated with deception & separation. She, therefore, cannot, assess a value to its pain. When we watched the movie last night , there was an opera scene where tears easily flow from the viewing audience. She apologized for her behavior and actions directed towards me. She has been angry. The heart must be accountable for the actions of the person. I do not believe the heart has a contradicting voice - it merely responds. 

Many people try to explain their actions by the spoken word, and it is true you can document your desired feelings. But the actions inspiried by the heart will always correct spoken descriptions. Mommy's heart was pure - she does indeed love me.

Found Diary - Fourth Entry Part 2

The reason there is no cure is because I do not see what I am as a sickness. How can you fix that which is not broken? After being admitted to the hospital, the MSW (K) took me to my room. They would not let me take my suitcase to the room until they had time to go through it. I did not realize it at the time – but they thought I was suicidal & would hurt myself. Therefore, they only allowed me to take my tooth brush & tooth paste along w/ my brush to my room. They gave me a hospital gown to wear & told me they would check on me later. Later actually turned out meaning every 15 minutes. Again – they thought I was going to hurt myself. I met with a nurse named N. and felt quite comfortable w/ her. Then the next morning (actually, later in the morning) I met with L. L. MSW.

She performed a serious of procedures which involved questions asked to me which were previously gone over with another social worker. As I spoke to her, she seemed to understand the pain I was having. She gave me her business card & made sure I was aware of my rights as a patient of this hospital. About 1 hour later, another person came by & asked similar questions. Then a doctor visited with me about my so-called “illness”. After we visited, she said other doctors would be visiting with me. They took consistent action to measure my vital signs – They drew blood & gave me an EKG, I could not determine why they did all the testing they did. After all of the tests, they introduced me to the other patients. There were approximately 6 people in the hospital that cut themselves in an attempt to kill themselves. Two other people took pills; there were 2 people that were manic depressants (sp) & there was 1 me. I became close to these people. I always imagined that people who tried to kill themself were crazy. This was not the case. These people were normal in most respects. They experienced extreme pain & no longer knew a way out other than destroying, themselves. I became particularly close to one young lady & we visited on several occasions.

Although the hospital did not seem applicable for my diagnosis, it did provide me with an opportunity to get in touch with myself. It was there that I realized that one should never act on fear alone. My desparation brought me to the hospital. Fear of loosing someone is not a valid reason to stay in a relationship! Nor is any other reason that brings harm to you. Fear is something God gave us in order to protect ourself from other dangers. When your heart beats faster & you feel frightened, one sometimes reacts better with the rush you get from the adrenaline and therefore is able to do physical tasks better. Mentally it seems that fear can control you where you cannot function as well. When I returned from the hospital, there was no celebration. The hospital failed to achieve the desired goals my parents desperatly sought. As I write to you girls, I feel this sense of obligation to move on in order for your worlds to remain unscathed. There is no way to undue that which has been done. The rumors are already starting to ripple through the town of Durant. I will not apologize for my actions- & will respond in a non-confirming manner to those who inquire. I was humiliated while in the hospital by having to listen to the intimate details of my love life your mother disclosed to the Doctor & my parents. Never Again will I allow myself to be humiliated in such a fashion. When I returned home, people felt sympathetic towards mommy. As for me – I was seen as an evil, undesirable person. Only the doctor in Tulsa expressed sorrow for my condition. He said he cannot imagine the incredible pain I’m must be experiencing. He recommended that I stay a couple of extra days to think about everything. I refused by saying the cost incurred by staying would be better served at the Ritz Carlton in Aspen. The Doctor discharged me immediately and I returned home.

Found Diary - Fourth Entry (2/14/94) : Part 1

As I last wrote in this journal, I didn’t think things could become much worse than they were when I received the hateful letter from a loved one; I was mistaken. Mommy told daddy that she was going to church on Sunday, but instead she went to an attorny to file papers for her & me to be legally separated (Divorsed). I received the bad news on Feb. 14, 1994 (Valentines) day. A person showed up to my office & said he had some papers for me to look at. As I read them my heart started pounding & I could feel my blood pressure rising.  The papers said that I was no longer being responsible to Mommy & you girls & that I was doing unusual things in front of you. I have shared with you previously about my sensitive side & actually presented this side to you. Mommy says W. needed help & R. was having a difficult time dealing with the situation. 

When I received the papers concerning the divorse; I wondered what I should do. The events which led to mommy requesitng the divorse were influenced by friends & family. I felt as if I were truly alone & abandoned. I could of called my friends & discussed the issues with them, but some how I decided that if indeed I were to contact them, the marriage would definitly be over. I want you girls to understand that friends can have an impact on you if you allow them to influence your life. I did not turn to my network of friends because this. Instead, I sat at my office and slowly regressed to a state of complete withdrawal. After hours of confusion, bitterness & loneliness (sp), I came to a conclusion that I had no where to go. So, like a puppy that had been abused but fed, I came home and agreed to seek help. Deep down I recognized that this was an act of dispare & not a good faith effort of reconciliation. To put it simple – I was scared to death. I’m not quite sure why I was so scared, but none the less I was indeed scared. My parents were delivering Valentines to you girls when I came home & they learned of my plans to seek help. They celebrated a dance of victory & called my brothers & sisters to tell them the news. You mother called A. F. & asked which hospital would best sereve as the source of my “deprogramming” of being a TS. 

Dr. J. F.  decided that a psychiatric hospital  in Tulsa was the best (Laureate).  We arrived early in the morning, about 3:00 A. M. & they admitted me. I was very disoriented when we arrived there & was asked to complete several forms. I remember looking (gazing) into the fireplace w/ sadness – I felt as if I was giving up the better part of me & settling for some one everyone else chose for me to be. I am confused because I felt as if this was either going to be disappointing for me or for my family, If  L. survived, my mother and father would be crushed, Earlier in the evening at supper (Kettle in Atoka)  my father wrote my mother a message on a napkin which read “God does answer prayers”.  How was I going to asnwer this if Laureate Hospital did not change me? I’ve read a lot of articles concerning my dysfunction & pretty much understood that there really is not a cure.

Found Diary - Third Entry (No Date)

There is so much to tell write & tell you. I'm sitting in a small bakery (La Madeleine) alone, eating my supper as I write to you. I feel as if we will be growing apart due to the circumstances in my life. I have exposed you to a part of your father that many consider abnormal - including your mother. I sometimes think that peoples brains are filled to their capacity and people just don't want to make room for new & different ideas. It's like a glass filled with water, in order to put a new liquid in it, one must first empty a portion of the glass. 

Please try not to fill your minds with information that can never be modified by new knowledge. This is part of the educational process. I think I've lost my family as I write this because of their lack of understanding, but more important, willingness to learn more. It's perfectly all right to have concrete stances in life such as morals & ethics - never abandon these. But if there is something in your life that causes grief to others or simply causes prejudice in your life - please be open to new thoughts & ideas. My parents have always joked & excercised discrimination to gays & other minorities because of their lack of empathy. They never will be able to again without realizing it is hurting a friend. 

I wish I could give each of you a book of your own, and perhaps I shall. But I feel it's important for the three of you to communicate & discuss these issues among yourselves. Although you are young, you appear very wise. This diary is provided to share with you the basic principals your father stands for. Honesty & love seem to have the greatest impact on those around me. I cried this morning in the arms of R. i cried yesterday in the arms of W. I know I'm emotional, but I love you very much. I wrote to your mother about tears of separation. I do believe these are the tears Christ himself wept. Its alright to cry - it actually feels good. No matter where my journey takes me - my love for you continues to plea w/ your mother to let you three go with me. If we do indeed become distant due to lack of visits, I shall never forgive myself. I'm not ashamed of what I am. Actually, it is because of what I am becoming that allows me to express a greater love to you. I never used to cry. I didn't ever cry at my brothers funeral & I still don't know why. I loved him very much, but I had to be strong because I was viewed as the family anchor. The problem with being the anchor is that you sink to bottom of the sea. Now everyone around me is concerned. I have lost weight & my face is worn with stress. I feel as if I could go into an endless sleep. I have sheltered you girls from my abnormalities & that's what brought me to Dallas. W. you asked me if I loved you. Of course I do. 

There are some questions that even adults cannot answer. Only God gives wisdom & answers to such questions and I'm not him. I wrote mommy about things I like & didn't like. There are pictures of things that don't make sense. Like a man maybe walking up a set of stairs while in the same picture a person is walking down them on the reverse side. E. L. Escher is its artist. Ask to see this painting & perhaps you'll understand why things sometimes contradict themselves.