Saturday, January 24, 2009

Found Diary - Fourteenth Entry (3/19/95)

Tomorrow, when I awake, the pain will begin to cease. I've never been capable of putting my inner pain of confusion adequately into words. My father, on earth is extremely wise. He once told me that unless he was a T.S. himself, he could never understand the pain I experienced. He also said that unless I never had feelings of being a T., I could never  understand his pain as a father, parent or friend. I know he is right. I guess that is why I stopped trying to educate the world as to TS. There are a lot of people that have accessed a verdict of guilt on me. They are probably justifying their ruling based on their own way of life. By this standard, we are our own God. Please be careful not to judge, for there th truly cannot be two Gods. 

Pray for insight, God will answer. My parents are wonderful, caring Christians. They too, have seen suffering, Mom told me that each of us have a battle to face. I agree, It may be alcholism, cocaine, drugs, gay, lesbian or transexualism, no matter the issue, it is how we respond after the battle has been fought that determines the extent of our enlightenment. There have many that have thrown the Old Testament Laws found in Deut. at me and asked me to explain how I could be a TS living as God would will for me to live. I continually find writings from Paul, to his friends in Rome, concerning such issues.  Please read Romans 4:15 & 16 about the Jewish Law. But more importantly, Paul's guidance & teachings have been lived by me & also by you. Romans 5:3 .. "we can rejoice, too when we run into problems & trials for we know that they are good for us - they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us - they help us learn to trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong & steady. Then as Paul's writings tell us, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know all is well, for God truly loves us. 

I have faith that God cares and wants the pain to cease. Also, Roman's 14:2-4 ..... We are all God's servants, not others. Let God tell us whether we are right or wrong. And God is able to make them do as they should. 

It is now 9:40 P.M. eastern time. In less that 12 hours I will be surgically corrected. I've prayed to God for this miricle most days of my life, now it shall come to pass. In celebration of the surgery and of life itself, I decided to purchase music for the surgeon to play as he operates. If, indeed, this is my last day on God's planet Earth, I want to go home with music in my heart. For this reason and too, because it is the Easter season, I selected George Frederic Handel, Messiah to be play in the oper. room. I have lived a fulfilled rich life. Only has the past year given me a relationship w/ God the Father, Jesus His Son & the Holy Spirit. I lighted a prayer candle at the Holy Immaculate (sp) Conception Church today, earlier this morning. I examined the whether resistent, time immuned stain glass windows in the Catherdal. They were beautiful - Gods Life displayed in Stain Glass. I dipped my hand in Holy Water & made the crucifix motion on my body. I kiss the crucified Jesus's feet. Please know this & believe this - I believe w/ all my heart, body & soul Jesus is Lord. Please let HIm be the Lord of your life. This shall be my last entry. I'm tearing up now, IF I should leave this world, Please know each night of my life I've prayed, longed or hurt for your presense. I do miss you dearly. I now can feel. And because of this, I now can Love. I hope to see you soon. If not, remember my words and hold to the teachings of Paul and the acceptance of Christ as the one true God. You will be tempted,. tested, hurt, rejected, isolated, convicted, persecuted & condemed in your lifetime. You too will be able to survive any afflection if you hold strong to your belief in God. IT has enabled me to write these words - Prhaps my last, but none the less - I've become more enlightened from my sorrows & have found peace in Jesus. Please be kind to each other - my children, my daughters my joy. Pray. I don't want to stop writing, but I must. I hope I've been able to share a few things w/ you. Until we see each other again - I love you. My heart is broken, but I know you too, love me, 

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