Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Found Diary - Fourth Entry (2/14/94) : Part 1

As I last wrote in this journal, I didn’t think things could become much worse than they were when I received the hateful letter from a loved one; I was mistaken. Mommy told daddy that she was going to church on Sunday, but instead she went to an attorny to file papers for her & me to be legally separated (Divorsed). I received the bad news on Feb. 14, 1994 (Valentines) day. A person showed up to my office & said he had some papers for me to look at. As I read them my heart started pounding & I could feel my blood pressure rising.  The papers said that I was no longer being responsible to Mommy & you girls & that I was doing unusual things in front of you. I have shared with you previously about my sensitive side & actually presented this side to you. Mommy says W. needed help & R. was having a difficult time dealing with the situation. 

When I received the papers concerning the divorse; I wondered what I should do. The events which led to mommy requesitng the divorse were influenced by friends & family. I felt as if I were truly alone & abandoned. I could of called my friends & discussed the issues with them, but some how I decided that if indeed I were to contact them, the marriage would definitly be over. I want you girls to understand that friends can have an impact on you if you allow them to influence your life. I did not turn to my network of friends because this. Instead, I sat at my office and slowly regressed to a state of complete withdrawal. After hours of confusion, bitterness & loneliness (sp), I came to a conclusion that I had no where to go. So, like a puppy that had been abused but fed, I came home and agreed to seek help. Deep down I recognized that this was an act of dispare & not a good faith effort of reconciliation. To put it simple – I was scared to death. I’m not quite sure why I was so scared, but none the less I was indeed scared. My parents were delivering Valentines to you girls when I came home & they learned of my plans to seek help. They celebrated a dance of victory & called my brothers & sisters to tell them the news. You mother called A. F. & asked which hospital would best sereve as the source of my “deprogramming” of being a TS. 

Dr. J. F.  decided that a psychiatric hospital  in Tulsa was the best (Laureate).  We arrived early in the morning, about 3:00 A. M. & they admitted me. I was very disoriented when we arrived there & was asked to complete several forms. I remember looking (gazing) into the fireplace w/ sadness – I felt as if I was giving up the better part of me & settling for some one everyone else chose for me to be. I am confused because I felt as if this was either going to be disappointing for me or for my family, If  L. survived, my mother and father would be crushed, Earlier in the evening at supper (Kettle in Atoka)  my father wrote my mother a message on a napkin which read “God does answer prayers”.  How was I going to asnwer this if Laureate Hospital did not change me? I’ve read a lot of articles concerning my dysfunction & pretty much understood that there really is not a cure.

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