Monday, January 5, 2009

Found Diary - Third Entry (No Date)

There is so much to tell write & tell you. I'm sitting in a small bakery (La Madeleine) alone, eating my supper as I write to you. I feel as if we will be growing apart due to the circumstances in my life. I have exposed you to a part of your father that many consider abnormal - including your mother. I sometimes think that peoples brains are filled to their capacity and people just don't want to make room for new & different ideas. It's like a glass filled with water, in order to put a new liquid in it, one must first empty a portion of the glass. 

Please try not to fill your minds with information that can never be modified by new knowledge. This is part of the educational process. I think I've lost my family as I write this because of their lack of understanding, but more important, willingness to learn more. It's perfectly all right to have concrete stances in life such as morals & ethics - never abandon these. But if there is something in your life that causes grief to others or simply causes prejudice in your life - please be open to new thoughts & ideas. My parents have always joked & excercised discrimination to gays & other minorities because of their lack of empathy. They never will be able to again without realizing it is hurting a friend. 

I wish I could give each of you a book of your own, and perhaps I shall. But I feel it's important for the three of you to communicate & discuss these issues among yourselves. Although you are young, you appear very wise. This diary is provided to share with you the basic principals your father stands for. Honesty & love seem to have the greatest impact on those around me. I cried this morning in the arms of R. i cried yesterday in the arms of W. I know I'm emotional, but I love you very much. I wrote to your mother about tears of separation. I do believe these are the tears Christ himself wept. Its alright to cry - it actually feels good. No matter where my journey takes me - my love for you continues to plea w/ your mother to let you three go with me. If we do indeed become distant due to lack of visits, I shall never forgive myself. I'm not ashamed of what I am. Actually, it is because of what I am becoming that allows me to express a greater love to you. I never used to cry. I didn't ever cry at my brothers funeral & I still don't know why. I loved him very much, but I had to be strong because I was viewed as the family anchor. The problem with being the anchor is that you sink to bottom of the sea. Now everyone around me is concerned. I have lost weight & my face is worn with stress. I feel as if I could go into an endless sleep. I have sheltered you girls from my abnormalities & that's what brought me to Dallas. W. you asked me if I loved you. Of course I do. 

There are some questions that even adults cannot answer. Only God gives wisdom & answers to such questions and I'm not him. I wrote mommy about things I like & didn't like. There are pictures of things that don't make sense. Like a man maybe walking up a set of stairs while in the same picture a person is walking down them on the reverse side. E. L. Escher is its artist. Ask to see this painting & perhaps you'll understand why things sometimes contradict themselves.

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